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Da Vinci Code in five lines

Paul Bettany: (subtitles) This movie is a giant conspiracy by the Church to make sure no one believes the book. This is why I must cut myself and show you my buttocks now. This sucks. They even cut my sex scene with Alfred Molina.

Tom Hanks: Oooh, stuff lights up when I look at it. This is because I fell down a well and met Jesus.

Audrey Tatou: My grandfather gets more action than I do, and this pisses me off. And if Hanks thinks he’s getting into my Jesus-was-my-pa pants, he has another think coming. Gross. I dont care if it’s in the book.

Ian McKellen: I’m having fun, but I keep reminding myself of the pizza guy in There’s Something About Mary, which makes me giggle. Watch X3 instead. I dont giggle there at all. And Rebecca Romijn does hurt/betrayed much better than Tom Hanks and that butler chap, plus she’s naked. Earl Grey?

Jean Reno: I feel used.

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About Samit Basu

Writes books, comics, films, other stuff.

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Copyright (c) Samit Basu. Images copyright respective holders.
June 2006
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